Making friends as an adult is so effing awkward. It’s like dating with even less ground rules and social norms. Throw in a foreign language (in my case Portuguese), and you’ve got a party. To me, it is one of the most challenging parts of living aboard. You plop yourself in a new country, not knowing a single soul. Then tell yourself, “go out and meet someone!” Ugh.
I haven’t made an entirely new group of friends in almost a decade. But, I’ve been craving deep community and establishing roots here. So, here I am, trying to make new friends. I’m even whipping out the worst lines like I’m trying to pick someone up at the bar. And I quote, “Hi! I really loved your energy. Coffee or drinks sometime?” As my Gen Z sister would say, so cringe.
In an effort to actually make new friends as an adult, I’m starting with these nuggets of wisdom.
Start with an Activity
One of the best ways to cut the uncomfortable small talk, is to do something. Any activity will do! It could be a running club, ceramics class, photography tour of your city, or a boardgames night. Doing something together side by side reduces the pressure, particularly one on one, of having to keep the conversation going. Worried about pauses in the conversation? No one notices, they are all focused on whatever it is they are doing. Ran out of topics? You’re doing something together, it’s easy to talk about that! Skip the awkward coffee friend dates initially and find something to do.
Coffee culture tip: you’re moving to Europe, going out for coffee typically lasts a couple hours. There is no squeezing coffee between meetings for thirty minutes. Be prepared for some longer chats!
Use Technology to Your Advantage
Technology has gotten a bad rap for its contribution to the demise of meaningful social connection. But, for all the shallowness, there are tons of tools out there for meeting people. You’ve got an app for everything – BumbleBFF, Peanut, Yobo, or Hey! VINA (check out Oprah’s list). Since moving to Portugal, I’ve gotten traction through Facebook expat groups, Meetup, Instagram, and WhatsApp groups. So many people are seeking friendship, check out a couple of options and see what works for you.
Facebook group tips: Facebook groups are particularly amazing for expats, but also in the U.S. too. In Facebook groups, just type in your city along with “expats” or “friends”. In every city on our Europe trip, I signed up for expat, family, mom, English-speaker, or traveling groups. You can find all sorts of nuggets of information about the city you’re in (best restaurants, tourist traps, where to find an elusive ingredient, or how to buy football tickets) and depending on the group, there are typically open invites to connect.
Good Intentions
I’m an introvert. For years, I also traveled full-time for a sales organization with a constant stream of networking events. I had to learn how to protect my energy and still be able to meaningfully connect with others. One of the tools I used was setting intentions. Whenever I’m heading to an event, I will repeat a couple key words that embody how I want to show up. Lately, my friendship words are: curiosity, authenticity, and warmth. If I can embody curiosity towards others, I don’t need to worry about conversation starters. Plus, people love to share! I like to think about what type of energy can I bring that will still feel like me and will attract the right people.
Networking intention ideas: engaged, charismatic, open, thoughtful, connection, grace, courage, calm, creativity, helpful, present, open-minded, inquisitive, relate, joyful, passionate, committed, initiate.
Offer Generosity
As a blanket statement, we all could use more generosity in our lives, not just with others, but also with ourselves. Meeting new people is hard. It takes a lot of energy, vulnerability, and time. And trust me, it’s not just you. It’s that way for everyone, even those who you think make friends in their sleep. So, if you’re meeting someone new and they have to postpone a couple of times, offer them grace. Maybe they are having a hard time getting settled into their new job or their anxiety is spiked with all the change. It will be so much easier to connect with others if you always assume good intentions and offer grace. Plus, it relieves you of budding resentment. P.S. Same goes for you! Don’t beat yourself up if you need to reschedule, life happens!
Intrigued by this idea of generosity? I loved this podcast with Brené Brown and her sister Ashley Brown Ruiz where they unpack the topics of generosity, resentment, boundaries, and grief.
Just Do It
If your first impression of me is through this article, you wouldn’t know how terrifying and exhausting meeting people is for me. I’ve adapted all sorts of tricks at parties: being the introducer (never have to participate in small talk, just connect people), the barnacle move (clinging to the one person you know the entire night), or the helper role (if I help behind the scenes all night, I make an appearance and never need small talk). I’ve also learned, none of those moves can build meaningful connection. So, I’ve had to buckle up and do the hard things if I want to build the personal community I seek.
I’m putting myself out there in ways I never would have before. I’ve reached out to strangers in my city through Instagram. I have taken every connection through my network. I’ve sent the most awkward intro messages. Every time I do it, I line myself up to make a huge ass of myself. But, what I’ve realized as I’ve put myself out there is the loneliness epidemic is real. We all are seeking more meaningful relationships in our lives.
What do you find to be the hardest part of making new friends as an adult?
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