My Signs of Burnout

Burnout. I certainly don’t own the market on burnout. It’s quite a hot topic lately as we emerge from the insanity of the last three years. The uncertainty, economic pressures, divisiveness (I could go on) wore down so many of us. It’s been particularly difficult for parents. A recent study found that 68% of moms (or primary caregivers) are experiencing anxiety (even above April 2020 levels) and over a third describe it as moderate to severe. On top of it, 75% of parents said don’t have enough support in the form of a village. Now, burnout and anxiety are not synonymous, but it’s definitely apparent that this trend isn’t isolated (nor is it isolated to parents). Anyway, I’ll share a little bit about my experience and personal signs of burnout.

It’s a System

I’m no stranger to burnout. I’m a workaholic, and I’ve worked hard for that gold star for as long as I can remember. In high school, I worked a full-time job between school and another twenty hours a week of extracurricular activities. In college, my trend was to sprint for about 6-8 weeks carrying 18 credit-hours, a full-time job, and squeezing extras for my medical school applications. Then crash and not move from the couch for 24-48 hours, repeat. I did it again when I traveled about 40 weeks a year for work. I’d work all day, take recruiting/re-recruiting dinners at night, then come home and not talk to a single person (including my husband) for 24 hours. It was amazing on the marriage… not. Sprint for as long as your body will hold up and then rest just enough to be human again. I had a system.

Until It Broke

I’m not sure when turned on the sprint-only, no-rest setting in my life. It could have happened anytime between being pregnant with baby number one, a global pandemic, and career that never took a breath. Oh, and did they tell you, when you become parents, you never stop being a parent? Like there are no breaks, ever? These babies who I love dearly really should come with BOLD, RED warning labels. I could analyze what happened until I had 95 potentially valid theories on how I got here. I guarantee I don’t have a unique story. But the point is, the carousel never stopped. My perfectly honed (albeit distructive) system no longer worked.

You can Google burnout signs and get thousands, if not millions of results. I’d occasionally pull them up, run down the list, and check them all off. Then think to myself, “well no shit you’re burned out.” But, more often, I’d think, “isn’t this just how life is?” or “it must be mom brain or sleep-deprivation or post-covid brain fog”, or “it will be fine after this next launch,” or whatever other excuse came to mind. All of those thoughts are perfectly valid, but after years of this, my constant companion wasn’t leaving my side. Anyway, these are the burnout signs I experienced most over the past few years.

Burnout Sign #1: My Brain No Workey

If my previous gold-star was workaholism, my gold-star from the past couple of years was staring at the computer for hours and accomplishing absolutely nothing. It was like any higher-level, critical thinking (which I desperately needed for my job) was extracted from my brain. In its place was anxiety about not being able to think about anything. Combine that with the guilt (so sorry to any coworker reading this) and stress about not crossing anything off your to do list and it makes for a fabulous day. Side note: corporate America’s meeting culture that sucks up every unblocked moment on your calendar and being “on” via constant influx of emails, Slack messages, and work production all day doesn’t help. There’s not even space in the day for two thoughts to bump into each other.

Anyway, memory, focus, execution, decision making capabilities were all gone. For a while, I wrote it off as newborn-induced sleep deprivation or “mom brain” (I hate that term), until I started sleeping again and it didn’t go away.

Burnout Sign #2: Autopilot

Your body has a brilliant, yet infuriating survival mechanism: autopilot. When you’re stressed, your body knows exactly what to do to keep you alive – and that means, it will do what it’s always done. So, no new habits, no changes, just plugging along. I knew what burnout looks like. I logically knew which small changes I could make to reduce the impact of burnout. But. I. Could. Not. Change. For a long time, I’d beat myself up about it. I’d tell myself things like “it’s not that hard – it’s drinking water,” or “you’re so lazy.” (You see, I’m super nice to myself – but that’s topic for a different day). Then my therapist told me that it’s near impossible when your brain and body are under stress. Everything in your body is ensuring you survive, not to learn new skills or form new habits. It’s not impossible, but it’s so much easier to make changes in your life when your body is regulated. This info was helpful in no longer shame-spiraling about not the making changes I knew I needed, but surprise, surprise… it still didn’t help me snap out of the passivity of my life.

Burnout Sign #3: A Nap Ain’t Going to Fix This

To top it off, I was exhausted. Like, bone-crushing, no energy at any point in the day, exhaustion. Even when I got out of newborn-stage sleep deprivation and anxiety insomnia, there was no amount of sleep that would wake me up refreshed. I’d white-knuckle it throughout the day, pumping as much caffeine into my system as possible without vibrating. Then, after putting my toddler to sleep, I’d collapse in front of the TV only to move once more to my bed. Weekends didn’t look any different. On a good weekend, I’d take my kid to the park once, cross off only the required adulting tasks I couldn’t muster during the week, then crawl right back in front of the TV. I was living the life (sarcasm).

Burnout Sign #4: Cheyanne the Grouch

On a normal day, my emotions are pretty laid back. I typically have a good handle on outwardly controlling my emotions. While I’d never describe myself as an optimist, when I’m in a good spot, I’m not overly pessimistic either. I’m a hyper-logical person. But, in the throes of burnout, I’m intractably cynical, irritable, rage-prone, and even illogically weepy. Work often got the brunt of my cynicism. My husband and kids got the brunt of my rage. Typically, I was fully aware how out of whack my responses were, which didn’t help stop it unfortunately. I felt crazy and totally unlike myself. I was so sick of my own shit. I’m not proud of any of this, but it’s the truth.

I could go on and on about other ways I saw burnout creep into my life. But, for me, these are the burnout signs that really stood out the most.

I’m Burned Out. So, I Should Quit My Job?

100% only if you want to. When I look back, it’s a legit miracle that I’m sitting here writing this from Europe. I was passively living almost every aspect of my life. Changes had to be made not only for me, but my family. But my brain couldn’t even make a decision, let alone have the energy to actually implement it. Until the thought of the possibility of moving abroad crossed my mind. When something lights you up like that for the first time in quite a while, you grab onto it with both hands. Could I have dug myself out of burnout in Seattle? Of course. But where’s the adventure in that?

I’d love to know of any of this resonated with you. Sometimes it’s easier to know you’re not the only one.

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